Progress Update

"Full speed ahead!" says Doug Lucas of Team Expansion. "Whooooooooo-hoooooooooooo!" (Also a direct quote from Doug :)

That's where it seems my ship's telegraph has been set pretty much since I decided to take a step of faith in September and start exploring my options for missions in Ecuador. From the time I began asking questions and sharing my calling with people, God has opened door after door with much more rapidity than I ever expected, and it's been such an exciting experience! As exciting as these initial stages have been, I can't even begin to imagine the opportunities that wait for me in Ecuador.

I don't mean to say that we haven't already run into some hangups. We have. Actually, until about a week ago, things were at a standstill. The current phase of the project is to find a missions organization that is willing to stand behind this project and serve as my sending organization. This may leave you scratching your head as I've already thrown out names like Stadia and Compassion International. While both of these organizations are heavily involved in this project, neither is really an organizations that sends missionaries internationally for longer term service. That being the case, Brent of Stadia suggested that we try to partner with an organization that regularly sends missionaries into the field. He first contacted NMSI (New Mission Systems International). NMSI is a missions organization based out of Fort Myers, Florida, whose mission is to "engage, prepare and support people to proclaim Christ and make disciples globally." They currently have about 200 missionaries serving in 28 countries, but Ecaudor is not one of those 28. This may have contributed to the fact that Brent got nothing but negative feedback from them when he approached them about serving as a sending organization. NMSI seemed to be less than excited about our project and even less excited than that to stand behind it. This, of course, was a bit discouraging, especially for Brent, who began to doubt whether sending me was such a great idea. He was very reluctant to agree with NMSI, but as sending missionaries out is part of what they do full-time, it only makes sense that he began to question whether what we were planning was a good idea, so he suggested that I have a "plan B" ready to go...or maybe a "plan A" with the Stadia/Compassion/Camino de Santidad project as my "plan B." And things ground to a screeching halt. But we weren't halted for long...

(Note: I am not trying to present NMSI in a bad light. They are a great organization doing great things for God, and I encourage you to check them out. We were just obviously not meant to partner with them on this project.)

Before plans had really picked up and taken off with Stadia, I had been in contact with another big missions organization, Team Expansion, about serving in Ecaudor as a member of one of their teams. They already have missionaries in Ecuador who have been serving there for over 20 years and are thus very familiar with the culture, region and sending process. When Brent told me about the bad news he had received from NMSI, I suggested that Team Expansion might be a better option as they already have a team in Ecuador and as I had already been in contact with them, filled out a profile, had a phone interview and been invited to apply. I knew that they were excited and eager to work with me when I approached them about joining one of their teams, so I thought there was a good chance that they might also be excited to get behind the new project with Stadia and Compassion. But I had already tried twice to contact them to find out if the application that they had sent previously would still be applicable and to see if they would even be willing to support the Stadia/Compassion project and had gotten no response. Of course, I knew there was the possibility that my messages got lost in the email shuffle, or that people were traveling and unable to respond, or that my messages were sitting in an inbox somewhere, waiting patiently as some diligent worker went about trying to find answers to my questions. But I am not as patient as my messages, so I asked Don, our minister of missions at church, to contact Doug Lucas, the president of Team Expansion, to speed along the process (no, I did not just march up and demand that he contact the president...he had previously mentioned to me that he knew Doug and could contact him for me if I needed any help). And speed along the process it did! Not only was he excited about partnering with us, he immediately contacted a boatload of other people in his organization to get them excited and get the go-ahead, he had already been following this particular project, and he was even more excited that I had already taken steps to get things moving. Hence the quotes at the top of the page :)

So we are back to "full speed ahead!" Now I just need my fundraising effort to start moving ahead with as much steam as everything else is moving along...I'll get back to you guys on that veeeeery shortly :D

If any of you reading this have any experience with deputation (missions fundraising), have any good fundraising ideas, or know people/companies who might be interested and willing to support this project, HOLLA! And pass along my info, please! I will take all of the help that I can get!

Gettin' on my soapbox



Japan after the March 11, 2011 earthquake and tsunami



I woke up this morning wanting to be grumpy and in a bad mood becuase it's cold out again. After last week's beautiful spring temperatures, it was no chore to be depressed and moody about the swing back into winter.

Then God must have smacked me upside the head and told me to get over myself. I realized that I should be thankful that I woke up this morning and that it was just cold. There had been no earthquakes to destroy my home during the night, no tsunamis to tear down and flood what hadn't been completely destroyed by earthquakes. There's no potential nuclear meltdown going on in my back yard. There were no tornadoes that swept through to destroy my home, no hurricanes to wash away parts of cities, no volcanic eruptions, no landslides/mudslides, floods, plagues...it was just cold. Meanwhile, Japan experienced two more earthquakes, still considered aftershocks, last night, and conditions at the Fukushima nuclear power plant continue to deteriorate.

It struck me just how greedy we as a human population tend to be, especially those of us living comfortably in our developed countries and cultures. We complain to no end because the spring weather went away while people on the other side of the world are probably waking in thanks and praise every morning that no more disaster has hit them yet. We go to expensive restaurants and complain because the food was overcooked or undercooked, the meat was tough, it was too chewy, there wasn't enough salt, it was too salty, there wasn't much flavor, it was too hot, it was cold, the vegetables weren't fresh, the bread was stale, the drink was watered down, the coke was flat, and I could just keep going with this list of things which, when you put it into perspective, are completely absurd to complain about. How many people would not fall on their faces in thanks to have the money with which to pay for a dinner like that, a dinner which they would savor every bite of, a dinner which you are eating alone and they would very willingly share with an entire family. We have the resources to get to the restaurant, the opportunity to ENJOY that kind of dinner, the finances to pay for it (or at least the illusion that credit gives us of being able to pay for it). So many people have none of this. Yet we look for every small thing possible to whine about instead of just being grateful for what we are blessed with.

You can apply this to practically every area of life if you stop to think about it. We, as a people, are so selfish! And this sounds like an angry rant, and the truth is that I did get somewhat angry upon thinking about these things because I realized that I'm just as greedy as everyone else. I never would have classified myself as a greedy person, but then I actually stopped to think about it. My most selfish of behaviors of late deals with relationships. I have been down and depressed because one individual has treated me in a way that I consider undeserved and unjust. I've been carrying on in this manner for a couple of weeks. What I have failed to realize is that I'm surrounded by people who do care, who are concerned for my well being, who are always supportive, who don't judge me when I fail but who aren't afraid to be bluntly honest with me when they need to be, who have put forth a completely voluntary effort to point out the positive in this situation. They try their hardest to lift me up, show me my worth, make me smile, and I continue with my Debbie Downer attitude, saying "Yeah, but..." "That's true, but..." "I believe that, but..." And the truth of the matter is that I do deserve to be ignored like I've been ignored. I am deserving of the bad treatment. Maybe not from the person who is dishing it out, but so many times, in carrying out relationships/friendships, I do exactly the same thing to the One who cares about me the most. God tries to bless my life through these people that He puts in it, and I turn around, ignore the rules He has set for proper conduct in these relationships/friendships, put these people in front of Him, and then I am crushed when He takes them away or when they decide to turn around and treat me as I have just treated my Father.

Realizing all of this very quickly changed my mindset for the day. It was a very humbling but very necessary blow. It actually reminded me of Francesca Battistelli's new song "This is The Stuff":

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me, please, 'cause I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

To break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

I have to admit that I have classified this song as being a bit childish, but it actually sounds like most of the adults that I know, myslef included. Hmmm...something to consider.

Yeah, it's cold outside, but my home is still in tact, there have been no natural disasters, and I'm sitting comfy in a great job. Yeah, occassionally people mistreat me, but I'm surrounded by so many more people who care, who lift me up, who pray for me even when I don't ask, who genuinely love me and have my best interest at heart. Yeah, sometimes my dinner is cold or not cooked to my liking, but I have food and the finances to buy more food than I could ever possibly eat. God has blessed me with more that I might give it to those who have less. So, yeah, it's cold outside, but I'll take it. I'll even send up a prayer of praise and thanksgiving for it. Why? Because it's just cold.

"In the middle of my LITTLE mess, I forget how BIG I'm blessed."

The Story - Long Version: The Final Chapter

Chapter 5: True Calling or Hearing What I Want to Hear?

Many of you at this point may have had a skeptical thought that goes something like, "Wait a minute...she says God is calling her to Ecuador, home of the guy that she admits to falling in love with? I don't know if I believe that's a true calling..." If you haven't had that thought, you should have. I definitely did. As soon as I recognized it as a calling, I began questioning myself: "Am I really called, or am I hearing what I want to hear? Is the Spirit really moving in me?" I love how God knows ahead of time when you're going to question what He tells you and so has already prepared with reinforcements. This time was no exception. He was prepared - doubly.

I mentioned in the last post that I flew back to the states on September 20, a Monday, and I got back to Champaign late that night. The small/life group that I'm a part of with church meets on Tuesday nights, and the following day, we were to begin a new book study covering Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan. I knew we were going to be reading a book called Forgotten God, and I knew it was by Francis Chan, but that was all I knew. I didn't know the subtitle, nor did I know that the book was about letting the Spirit come to life in you and following its guidance, and I hadn't had the chance to read the first chapter before our meeting, so I was going in blind. Imagine my surprise when we started watching the video intro to the book (see widget to the right) and the intro to Chapter 1, and Chan starts talking about the power that we have through the Spirit and just what God could achieve through us if we'would just let the Spirit move in us. He even goes so far as to say that he hopes that some people don't even finish the book study because they've listened to the call of the Spirit and they've moved in response. I had to chuckle to myself and say, "Now that's a pretty big coincidence. I think the Spirit might be moving in me, and then we start a book study the next day on how we as the church could be so powerful if we'd only stop neglecting the Spirit." And that was reinforcement #1.

Of course, I was still not convinced at this point that I was truly called to Ecuador. There was still a bit of doubt that maybe I was still just trying to convince myself that I was supposed to go there because that's where I wanted to go. And God was prepared for my doubt. The following Sunday, JP, our senior pastor, began a sermon series covering the book of Nehemiah. It was an awesome 8-week series and is available here for your listening enjoyment (click "Launch Sermon Player" and scroll down to 10/10/10, So...What are you going to do - Week 1). As a very brief overview, the sermon was about Nehemiah (surprise, surprise), who was cupbearer to the king. Nehemiah was from Jerusalem and had been informed that the wall to the city had been burned down and the gates destroyed and that the people were in trouble and disgrace. This saddened him greatly, and as he had never been sad before the king before, the king noticed his newly troubled look and asked why he was so sad. Nehemiah was afraid, but he answered saying

“May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my ancestors are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?” Nehemiah 2:3

The king asked him what he wanted, and before answering, Nehemiah prayed first. He then asked the king for leave to go and rebuild the wall, and for timber from the king's forest for the wall, and for protection from the king's forces during his travels. Because Nehemiah prayed in earnest, from his heart, God heard his requests and the king granted Nehemiah all that he had asked for. Nehemiah prayed for God's guidance, and I can only assume that it was by the Spirit's leading that he knew specifically what to ask for. Had he given in to fear and not let the Spirit guide, he would not have been able to do a great work for God, rebuilding the wall and restoring community to the people of Jerusalem. JP covers this, and then ends by asking, "So, what are you going to do? Are you going to follow your own will, chase after you own selfish dream, or are you going to do what God has called you to do?" And there was reinforcement #2. My jaw probably hit the floor at that point, I don't know. But what I do know is that at that moment, I said, "Okay, God, I hear you! I get it! You are calling me, and I'm going!"

Not long after, I sat down with the pastors at church and told them about my calling and asked for direction. They suggested that I attend the National Missionary Convention, which was held in November in Lexington, KY. I took the advice and signed up and attended. It was most definitely some of the best advice I could have taken. Besides the awesome speakers and worship during the main sessions, it was a great opportunity to meet missionaries who are serving all over the world, speak with organizations that are involved in sending missionaries and serving worldwide and to just see what is going on throughout the world in Jesus' name. Specifically, I sought out anyone I could find who had information on missions in Ecuador. Having looked up a couple of the larger organizations ahead of time, I knew that Team Expansion had a missionary couple that had been located in Guayaquil, Ecuador for about 20 years, so I wandered the exhibit hall until I found Team Expansion's booth (not difficult since their "booth" was enormous). I ended up begin connected with the director of Latin American missions for Team Expansion and told him about my interest in Ecuador and my previous experiences, and he made sure that I got my name on the schedule for the next day to meet with Bill and Karleen Crandall, the missionary couple to Ecuador.

The next morning I headed in early to meet with the Crandalls prior to the morning session. They were occupied when I got there, speaking with a young man who I later found out is also involved in some mission work in Ecuador as well as in Haiti and some other Latin American countries. It was 'fortunate' that they had spoken with him just before speaking with me because upon mentioning that I had recently gotten back from a mission trip to Ecuador through Compassion International, they recommended that I speak with someone from Stadia because they had just been told (by the young man) that Stadia was starting a new project in conjunction with Compassion International in Ecuador. 

So of course, I staked out Stadia's booth. Okay, so it wasn't really a stake out. I went by several times and there was no one there, so I decided to give it one more attempt, and on this last attempt there was a man present, but he was busily chatting with someone else, so I stood and waited. While I was waiting, another gentleman, Brent Foulke, approached. Brent is the Associate Executive Director for Mobilization with Stadia, and he also happened to be one of the main people in charge of the new project with Compassion in Ecuador (note this new series of 'coincidences' that led to me talking to him). I mentioned hearing that they had a new project starting with Compassion in Ecuador and told him that our church has an ongoing relationship with Compassion in Ecuador. We chatted about the project, I was excited about it, he was excited that I was excited and mentioned that he was sure there was some way I could fit in. 

During our conversation, it came up that I live in Champaign and attend FCC. Turns out Brent knows JP, so he asked if I thought JP might be interested in knowing about the project. I responded that I was sure he would love to hear about it. Awesome things happen when you take the initiative to talk to people. I am learning that. Not only is Stadia trying to get me plugged into this project in an essential way, now FCC is also backing one of the church plants that will take place as a part of this project! (Yes, I realize that I have left out some details about the project and that I haven't even mentioned church planting in this post, but I will refer you back to my earlier post "The Story - Short Version." More details and a link to document which clearly lays out the project can be found therein.) It truly is amazing how all of the pieces just seem to kind of fall into place when you surrender you heart and truly give God the lead.

The Story - Long Version: Chapter 4

Let me start by mentioning that I fail when it comes to chronology. So much has happened since I got to Champaign that I decided to break the chapters since I've been here into themes rather than to present the happenings in order of occurrence. For those of you who don't like stories that skip around, tough cookies! If you've already read chapter 3, be aware that I was in the process of discovering the Ecuadorian connection throughout the events that will be described in this and the next (final) chapter.

Chapter 4: Why am I here?

I initially never really questioned how I got to Champaign or why I ended up here. It was just a next event in my string of seemingly nonsensical life events, and so I came. Of course, I also had no real reason to question why I was here. I was coming for work, because I was obligated to repay the scholarship that I had received from the DoD by working in civilian service for a year, and CERL was the facility that chose me. 

When I started working for the Army Corps of Engineers, I was excited. The research was new, the ideas were exciting and the were very different from developmental molecular genetics training. Awesome! I wanted to expand my skill set anyway. As soon as I got plugged in, I was given the challenge of coming up with a way to couple a cell-based microfluidic system with optical output to create a sensing system to detect cellular stress in response to toxins in a water sample. What?! I'd never cultured mammalian cells before, never worked with microfludics, knew nothing about sensor devices, and had little experience with cell-based optical systems. It was a bit overwhelming, but I took off with it and surprised myself. I actually came up with an idea that my boss went with! And so I was up and off on a project of my own just like that. It wasn't too long before I had received a couple of fairly prestigious awards as a member of a team of researchers. I had been here for less than a year and was already receiving awards! I won't lie. I didn't feel at all like I had done anything to earn a place on that research team as a part of the award nomination package, but my boss wanted to include me. And we were selected. 

So, as I said, there was no real reason to question why I was here. It was for work, obviously. Things were going great. Even better, our organization is affiliated with the University of Illinois, well known for their College of Engineering. As I had always planned to be a doctor, it seemed a logical next step to get my PhD. Working at CERL, I was in a perfect place to do that. The leadership at CERL highly encourages advanced education, so balancing work and school schedules is not a problem. As I was already a salaried employee at CERL, I'd also be applying to a PhD program with my own funding. There's not really a better deal for a PI accepting a new grad student...It's a free student! So I started looking into programs that would be most beneficial to me considering the types of research I was involved in and settled on the Bioengineering program. Sure, I was lacking the engineering background, but I had spoken with the graduate coordinator in that department, and he had given me a list of courses that I needed to take over the next year to prepare me to apply for the program. Yes, I would have to go back and take a year's worth of undergraduate courses in math, physics and basic engineering, but I was perfectly okay with that. So next thing I know, I'm registering to take Calculus III...a whole seven years after completing Calculus II. Call me crazy. I often call myself that. So I spent the next year battling through courses like Calc III, Differential Equations, Intro to Computer Programming, Thermodynamics, Systems and Circuits in Bioengineering.

Much to my advantage, about 4 months after moving to Champaign, I met an exchange student (guess where he was from) in Mechanical Engineering. We hit it off and soon after began dating. Having a boyfriend who has already taken all of the classes that you're working on and who has a super smart grad student as a roommate who majored in physics and now studies electrical engineering is a major bonus when trying to go back and fill in the gaps in your basic engineering background. So though the courses were difficult, I had a support system. And I was happy: happy at work, happy with the the thought that I'd soon be starting my PhD, happily in love. 

But as always happens, exchange students go home. As if having the guy you're deeply in love with move to another country isn't stressful enough, only a couple of months later, my grandfather died a rather slow and painful death. I started struggling to keep up with work and school, my grades started slipping (okay, I was getting B minuses, which most people would be perfectly happy with, but I was not accustomed to having anything less than an A), relationship issues arose, I started struggling with anxiety and depression. Everything had begun to get so unstable. It was like my whole life had become shaky, but it was still standing...until March 12, 2010. On that day, the waves finally washed my foundation out from under me, and my world collapsed. The love of my life decided he couldn't do it anymore. He wasn't ready for me and for love and for commitment. And I was completely crushed. And my grandfather would have turned 91 that day.

As if that wasn't enough already, the following month I got a letter back from the Bioengineering Department telling me that though they were highly impressed with my application, they had decided not to accept anyone into the PhD program who did not have a degree in an engineering field. So I had spent the last year struggling through classes for nothing, and my research at work had suffered because of it. It was as if I wan't enough for anyone or anything. I wasn't living up to my potential or expectations at work, I wasn't able to keep that most precious relationship together, I wasn't even enough for the PhD program, even though I came free and had taken all of the courses they had told me to take a year earlier. It was like my life had become the perfect storm of disaster, which left me spinning in circles asking "God! Why am I here??? If not for work or school or love, why did you bring me here?!" 

I felt as if I was standing in the middle of desert at noon, with the sun straight overhead and nothing but sand in all directions, nothing, absolutely nothing to give me direction or show me which way to go. I couldn't even begin to take a step forward because I didn't know which way forward was. So I finally gave up and resolved to sit and wait. "Fine, God, I'll just stay here and try to survive until you tell me which way to go." 

Even through my struggles, as soon as I saw the mission trip to Ecuador in September, 2010 announced in the church bulletin, I knew I was supposed to go. I prayed about it and soon after signed up to go. There was no hesitation. Yes, it was a bit costly, but already knowing how beautiful the country and the people are, and knowing that I'd be going to do God's work, the financial factor was never even a question. So I went on the trip, along with 10 other wonderful people from the church, and we had an amazing time. I don't know that there could've been a better group of people assembled together to experience what we experienced that week. I'm pretty sure details of that trip can be found in some of my earlier posts. If not, let me know and I'll do a post later just about our adventures for the week (Brandi, I count on you for this, and, yes, I realize that I still owe you the racquetball story).

As I stayed an extra week to visit a family very dear to my heart, I did not travel back with the rest of the group. I flew back to the states on September 20, and as I was sitting in Chicago's O'Hare Airport eating my Chicago style hotdog and chips, I felt that all-too-familiar feeling of unease come back. It's a feeling that I've carried with me really since I left for college in 2001 - a feeling of not knowing where home is, not knowing where I belong, of being transient and unsettled. The interesting thing about feeling it come back though is that I had never even realized that it had gone away in the first place. But as I felt it come back, I realized that while I was in Ecuador, I felt at home. Then thinking back on it, every time I have been there, I have felt a certain peace, a certain sense of belonging that I haven't really found here. And so upon feeling that heaviness return, I knew. I knew God was calling me to Ecuador, and I knew why He had brought me to Champaign. It wasn't for work or for an education or even for love, though the love has played a big role in the whole story, but it was so that He could show me where He wants me to go, where I need to be in order to make the greatest impact for His kingdom. How crazy, yet amazing, that He would bring me to central Illinois to lead me to the center of the world.